Tag Archives: OSFED

Our Bodies and Us: The Disconnect.

listen to your body

Our bodies are wonderfully constructed, complex, ingenious natural creations. They are fantastically clever, and work to keep us in the best of health. But we have been working against them. We have stopped listening to them. We have decided that they are the enemy and we have been treating them as such.

Our bodies are natural but our culture is man-made, and our culture has decided to wage war on women’s bodies (and to a lesser extent, men’s too). We are bombarded from every direction with the message that our bodies are not enough; that we are not enough; that we must mould and warp and change our bodies into something else to be satisfactory women. We are told that our bodies are not good enough as they were born to be; that they are not good enough in their natural forms. We are told that we must alter them, no matter what pain that means putting our minds and our bodies through. Low carb diets, low fat diets, high protein diets, Paleo diets, Atkins diet, cabbage soup diet (?!), 5:2 diet, raw till 4, weight watchers, slimming world, eating “clean” (because other foods must therefore be “dirty” right?)…it makes me want to scream. Instilling fear of sugar and fats and carbohydrates until there is nothing else that is “safe” to eat creates more and more anxiety around food and makes us try to restrict further and further. Equating certain foods with morality and superiority and “making the right choices” makes us turn on one another as if eating a certain way can make us better than someone else who chooses to eat differently. Food has become about being “good” and being “bad”. Food has become about being worthless or worthwhile. Food has become our means of exerting control over our bodies and our lives.

All the while, our bodies are being ignored. They give us a pang of hunger, and we focus on something else. We pass a bakery and saliva pools in our mouths, and we swallow and walk on. Our brains direct thoughts of food to our brains over and over, and we shut them down. Our bodies keep sending us signals, and we pretend that they are not there, and instead, we listen to the magazines and other media telling us to ignore our hunger…drink a glass of water instead…eat a celery stick. We have become so far removed from our bodies that we listen to an unnatural ideal rather than the natural being of our bodies. We are so disconnected that we read information on what we should do with our bodies in regards to food and exercise, instead of actually listening to them. Our society has made us so focused on our bodies: how they look, what we do with them, and what we put into them, that we are panicked by it, and in turn, it has become an obsession. Health; fitness; food…we follow other people’s advice on what to do with our bodies and pay no heed to what our bodies are communicating to us. We are out of touch with what we really need.

Breaking away from that is hard, but freeing. Your body will thank you, and so will your mind once you learn to reject dieting culture and embrace your natural weight, shape, and size. If you develop a healthy relationship with food and your body, eating intuitively will come effortless as you follow your hunger and cravings. Healing, and repairing that relationship between you and your body will allow you to reconnect and work with your body, rather than against it. This will, in time, lead you to naturally eating a balanced diet – this includes “junk” food too. We need to start viewing food as food, rather than something that is “good” or “bad”, “healthy” or “unhealthy”. Food is fuel, and food is also part of our enjoyment in life. It has no place alongside morality. None of it should be demonised. None of it should be feared. None of it should be restricted. When you stop listening to outside noise, and start turning your focus inwards, that is when you will be able to be your healthiest. When you get back in touch with your body and start to really listen to it, that’s when you will start getting healthy again, both mentally and physically. If you fancy a fruit salad, eat a fruit salad. If you fancy a doughnut, eat a doughnut. No rules, no restriction, no foods that are off limits, and no foods that you “should” or “should not” eat. Shut out our dieting culture and embrace your body’s signals.

As a side note, it’s important to understand that if you have been dieting or restricting, that your hunger may be powerful and insistent, and your cravings may be strong for the foods that you have restricted (and therefore have fear and anxiety around). This is normal. If you don’t give your body enough energy, it will have an energy deficit, and will need more energy than usual until it is energy-balanced again. If you restrict certain things, your body will want them more, as it is often low on carbs and/or sugars and/or fats, and “forbidden” foods will also always be the ones you want most. If you respond to your body and work with it by providing it with the energy that it is asking for and the foods it is craving, it will settle down. It will become energy-balanced, and it will not be lacking in any food types, and when you stop viewing certain foods as forbidden, it will not want them as much. When all food is available to you, you don’t feel the need to eat certain foods as if it is the last time you will ever eat them (which you may have felt before when you let yourself have a “cheat” (I shudder at this word) snack/meal/day). When your body is energy and nutrient balanced, your eating will be balanced. When you are lacking in something, your body will give you signals in the form of hunger or cravings.

Listen to your body. It is cleverer than you, and it certainly cleverer than dieting culture and the media. Listen to your body, and embrace it.

What People With Eating Disorders Would Like You To Know

Communication

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I asked people suffering from eating disorders “what would you like people to know about eating disorders – whether in general or yours personally?” and was met with people eager to share their thoughts and feelings. So I bring to you this post constructed of 32 people’s top things that they would like the public to know about eating disorders and recovery from them. This post illustrates both the different and shared experiences of those with eating disorders and the way they would like to be perceived and supported. Please remember that people with eating disorders are not exempt from your life. They are your husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, friends and colleagues..you will know someone with an eating disorder, and they may need your help and support. Without further ado, let’s take a look at what they have to say.

“It’s not something we can control. And it doesn’t matter how much weight we lose, it’s never enough.”

neda recovery

“OSFED (formerly EDNOS) is the most common eating disorder. It also has a higher mortality rate than bulimia and at the least the same mortality rate as anorexia – some studies suggest that it is even higher. It would be nice if people stopped thinking that OSFED/EDNOS is not as dangerous or as “real” as anorexia or bulimia.”

neda recovery

“Eating disorders are not about food and dieting, but about control and a distraction away from deeper insecurities and not feeling good enough alongside everyone else. They can’t be turned on and off at will, but then CAN be fought and recovered from. An eating disorder is not a choice, but fighting for recovery is.”

neda recovery

“Eating disorder recovery isn’t just a physical change, but mostly a mental change. Yes, physical changes do happen, but you won’t recover unless you change mentally too.”

neda recovery

“It’s not something someone can just stop. It’s like a constant voice in your head always whispering to you. It’s not some silly phase you just grow out of. It’s not something beautiful. It’s hard, unhealthy, and it tears you apart both inside and outside. It’s always inviting and easy to slip back into and it takes so much effort to not do just that.”

neda recovery

“Eating disorders are not visible from the outside.  Also I think it can’t be stressed enough how triggering any kind of comment about eating behaviours/body can be.”

neda recovery

“I think more information about orthorexia is needed as obsessions with healthy eating and fitness hardly ever are recognised as real problems. I also think orthorexia might be much more common than people might think.”

neda recovery

“Relapse doesn’t mean someone was faking their recovery or that they don’t want recovery. It’s really irritating when someone suggests that I didn’t want it until I hit rock bottom.”

neda recovery

“Now that I’m open about my eating disorder, it doesn’t mean that I am faking or seeking attention now. I just want people to know more about the facts of eating disorders. Also understand it is important for me to tell people to help me get better and not keep any more secrets.”

neda recovery

“Weight restoration and recovery are not synonymous. The way I feel and the amount of pain/difficulty I’m going through is often inversely proportional to how healthy my body looks. I usually need most support at the very times i look healthiest. Don’t assume anything from how someone looks. Don’t confuse physical health with mental health. When my weight is higher, I need way more support than when it’s dangerously low.”

neda recovery

“Please don’t get mad, impatient, frustrated, or annoyed with me when I am struggling with something. I know it may make no sense to you. ‘Food is good, how could you be afraid of it?’ ‘How could you care about something as dumb as this or that?’ Guess what… I don’t even understand the thoughts and compulsions myself sometimes. Just be there for me, try to be understanding, and encourage me to nourish myself. I’m getting better, step by step.”

neda recovery

“My eating disorder is not just a diet, and I don’t engage in these behaviors because I have more self control than you. It’s an illness that is controlling me and eating me alive, and fighting it requires more strength than you could ever imagine.”

neda recovery

“They’re not fun, and the romanticisation of them online is what caused mine.”

neda recovery

“Just because someone is at a “normal weight” now doesn’t mean that they aren’t still scared to eat or gain weight.”

neda recovery

“How many times you do/do not relapse doesn’t determine the severity of your illness or that you are “better”.”

neda recovery

“I’d like people to know that I don’t do this to hurt them, I don’t purposely try to upset the people who care about me, I’m trying to do the complete opposite. All I want is to make people happy and sadly my brain tells me that this is how I can achieve that.”

neda recovery

“Getting angry at me only further fuels my ED, please stay calm and collected.”

neda recovery

“That recovery is never ending. Eating disorders can become a coping mechanism, and so, if you have no other way to cope or if the stress is so severe then the eating disorder gains strength.”

neda recovery

“It’s really not about food. Way too many people see eating disorders as superficial and hold a mentality that deadly diseases are just diets gone too far. I want more people to recognise the seriousness of eating disorders, including the “invisible” eating disorders such as BED and EDNOS.”

neda recovery

“I want to talk abut it and be asked about it. I’m not ashamed but I have found that my friends and family act as if it doesn’t exist/never happened and it makes me feel awkward. I wish they’d just stop making it the elephant in the room! Anorexia is not a swear word!”

neda recovery

“Saying “you’re not fat” or “you don’t need to lose weight” doesn’t help at all, and when you open up to someone they don’t understand what you think of yourself. I think what would help instead of telling them to “eat more” would be to help them love themselves again and enjoy food and exercise.”

neda recovery

“BED is as serious as any restrictive eating disorder. Men develop eating disorders. Recovery means using healthy coping mechanisms to fight disordered thoughts, not getting rid of the thoughts.”

neda recovery

“Ich bin an allen Informationen interessiert da ich mich endlich befreien möchte und in recovery gehen will aber jede Menge angst habe. Mut und Zuspruch wäre das wichtigste und das man es schaffen kann.”
(Google translation: “I am interested in all the information because I finally want to free myself and will go into recovery but plenty ‘m scared . Courage and encouragement would be the most important and it can be done.”)

neda recovery

“It’s not easy. It’s complicated and tormenting and doesn’t receive enough awareness.”

neda recovery

“Just because you are gaining weight and you are looking healthy does not mean that you are okay. You are still recovering. And it’s still hard. And even after recovery and remission, it’s not like all of the recovery problems disappear, they are still there, you just can cope with them better.”

neda recovery

“Commenting on my body in any way is not helpful, even if you mean it with the best intentions, it can be triggering. Find other ways to measure our success in recovery, like how much more we smile.”

neda recovery

“Don’t comment on how other people’s bodies are thin or heavy. Don’t make body size and appearance so important. Focus on happiness and health instead. Don’t blame the person with an eating disorder for being ill. Try not to be angry with the person with an eating disorder; it will make them hide from you even more. My parents, for the first years were so angry at me. They treated me as if the eating disorder was something that I was choosing. They kept asking me to quit acting out and were angry at me for not. They interpreted my behaviour as a personal betrayal. It hurt me a lot. I missed them and being close to them.”

neda recovery

“Understanding that public situations involving food (or even not food, just a lot of people) can be totally terrifying because of how the person with the eating disorder may feel (rightly or not) that their body is being judged. Be understanding that we may want to go out and have fun, and we may plan (depending on where we are in recovery) to be able to “act normally” and eat, but when the moment actually arrives, it’s too terrifying.”

neda recovery

“It’s not about anyone else. And no one in my life can cure me. No matter how I love my friends and family and boyfriend, I can’t just eat and gain weight to make them happy. But I truly do hate how this illness tortures them as well, and I wish it was that simple to take away their pain.”

neda recovery

“My eating disorder is just as serious now as it’s ever been. The only difference is that I weigh more than I used to. Gaining weight never made the problem go away, it just made it invisible.”

neda recovery

“I am not looking for attention. It’s easy to say the wrong thing. How I look is not a reflection of how I feel. This is a disease, not a choice. Nobody made me this way. I want to talk about it. My life has been hugely impacted by this. What I go through may not seem like much to you but to me it has been my world.”

neda recovery

“Everyone has their own natural and unique body shape and size and gaining weight should not be seen as bad.”

 

Do you have anything to add?

Men with Eating Disorders: Suffering in Silence

men and eating disorders

Eating disorders amongst men: we are not talking about it enough. We are not doing enough to end the stigma against eating disorders in general, let alone for the male population that suffer with them. We need to raise awareness. We need to be having conversations about it. We need to be educating the general public about it. We need men on TV, in magazines, on the internet, on every social media platform, to speak out about their struggles and help others do the same so that they can get the help and the support that they need. The thing is, many men don’t feel comfortable talking about it with their closest friends and family members, let alone the public. In fact, they aren’t just uncomfortable: they are terrified, and this is because of the incredibly detrimental stigma wrapped around eating disorders that is magnified tenfold when it comes to the male population. And when people don’t get help, there’s an increased risk of them dying from complications due to their eating disorders.

Out of those with eating disorders, it is reported around 10% of sufferers are male, although these statistics are unreliable due to the fact that so many men do not come forward for treatment and so are not recorded as part of the statistics. A recent study on a large university campus found that the female-to-male ratio of positive screens for eating disorder symptoms was 3-to-1 (you can read more statistics with references in my article Men Get Eating Disorders Too).

For this article, I talked to two men with eating disorders, a friend of mine, Leo*, who is a man in his mid-twenties from the UK, and Joshua*, an Italian-American, who got in touch with me via this website to talk about his experiences with his eating disorder and the stigma surrounding men with eating disorders.

Leo talked to me about how his eating disorder affects him in day-to-day life, and about the one and only time he sought help from a professional.

“I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is check the mirror and look at myself and think I’m fat. I will do it again after a shower and again once I’m dressed. I will do this throughout the day while at work if I go to the toilet as well. I try not to eat to much because in the back of my head is someone saying you’re fat, you’re fat, don’t do it. People at work have joked about me being fat, and I cannot get rid of them saying it over and over again in my head. I want to be perfect, I want to feel normal, and it probably started with the bullying at school and has always sat with me. I went to the doctors and explained that I didn’t feel normal and I hated eating food and I wanted to make myself sick and all I got was the doctor telling me that I need to eat to be healthy and we need food to survive, and that was pretty much it.”

Leo experienced disordered eating for three years, before developing a full blown eating disorder which he has now suffered with for seven years. He struggles with restriction, self-induced vomiting, and compulsive exercise. As you read, when he opened up about it to a doctor, he was met with dismissal. After describing his fear of weight gain, and sustained body hatred, his doctor chose not to explore this further and just told him to eat. I asked him about whether he would consider going back again to see if his experience could be different if he saw another doctor.

“I don’t go back to the doctors because it is embarrassing. I’m a guy and I have to not show weakness. I tried to cry for help and no one cared and so I shut all my emotion off towards it.”

Unfortunately, this is all too common an experience for men, and because of these negative experiences, men don’t seek help in the first place, or don’t go back again after being met with invalidation. Doctors are reportedly less likely to make a diagnosis of eating disorders in males than females (again, you can read my article “Men Get Eating Disorders Too” for references and more information). Not only is there limited training in eating disorders for medical professionals, but the stereotype of eating disorders being an illness exclusively suffered by white, young, females still lingers, and professionals are not exempt from absorbing the myths and stigma that surround eating disorders. Coupled with the damaging pressures from society telling men what they apparently should be like, people seem to have a really hard time accepting that men can suffer from such a debilitating illness as an eating disorder. These societal pressures, which include not showing emotion (or not too much, whatever that means), not crying, not needing help or support, are aspects of being a woman, and they are also supposedly aspects of being weak (because, just in case you are unaware of this entirely ludicrous concept, in our patriarchal society, being like a woman – and therefore being a woman – means that you are weak). On top of that, eating disorders are seen by some as obsessional vanity, whereas they run much deeper than that, and can stem from a variety of things (bullying, abuse of any kind, sense of worthlessness, deep insecurity, trauma, to name a tiny proportion of triggers). They are also a biological illness with genetic links. Your genetics play a part in determining whether you are someone who will develop an eating disorder or not. Those who understand eating disorders already know that developing one is not a choice, but this provides further and solid evidence for those who may not be able to fully comprehend the fact that there is no choice when it comes to mental illness. Still, so many people are still ignorant about mental health. Leo says,

“People look at it as a female disorder. I have mentioned it in conversation with friends and family, and I always get the same opinion – that it’s a woman’s disorder because they are weak or have issues because of how society sees them.”

Leo feels like he can’t talk to anyone about his eating disorder, because they won’t understand. He is terrified of the reaction that he could get.

“I can’t talk to people because they won’t understand. They won’t understand waking up every day feeling the way I do about myself and how I want to fit in and for people not to say I’m fat or chubby. I can’t talk to them or even want to talk to them because my step-dad, my brother-in-law, and I are always in competition in everything we do and I wouldn’t let them know I am weak. I don’t know how they would react. They will see it as a weakness and will think less of me. Even my mum wouldn’t understand.”

I ask if he thinks his mum would view him as weak. “I’m not sure, but I don’t want to risk it.” The concept of men (and women) with eating disorders being weak is so persuasive that Leo sees his own eating disorders as a weakness in him, but says that he doesn’t make the same judgement about anyone else.

Another issue we have to look at is the “ideal” male body that our society has created. Women face a huge amount of pressure to look a certain way thanks to our society, our diet culture, and the media continuously shaming women, telling us to lose weight, giving us diet tips, banging on about “health” 24/7, and showing us a disproportionate amount of slim, beautiful women who have been photoshopped to the nth degree, but whilst we do receive the majority of this pressure, we forget that there’s so much pressure going around that there’s plenty left over for the guys too. Men are being exposed to an increasing amount of images and messages pertaining to what a man “should” look like, and this is extremely harmful. Leo has been affected by this.

“Having 0% body fat and all the muscle in the world is the only way to fit in society for men. Women are seen as having to be skinny but men have to be both skinny and muscular.”

Whilst this is not a reality, and in general only men who are fat or very thin experience stigma around weight, the message has become so strong from the media that for some men, this is how they feel – that they and their bodies will not be accepted unless they look a certain way. The expectations that this is driving some men to have for themselves are unrealistic and unhealthy, and is having a dangerous impact on the mental and physical health of men.

Eating disorders can also be harder to spot in some men because it is more likely for women to have dramatic weight loss, whereas in men their eating disorders can expressed through “bulking up” and hitting the gym, which is not seen as particularly suspect in a society so keen on advocating exercise and showing male body “ideals” as lean and muscular. It is important to note that if an individual is taking performance-enhancing supplements in their attempt to become more muscular and then engages in weight lifting, they are at increased risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke (this paragraph has been taken from my article “Men Get Eating Disorders Too”).

Joshua also talked to me about his experience with an eating disorder.

“My situation largely stems from my cultural love affair with food and how the outside world placed such an unnecessary stigma on what are “good” or “bad” modes of eating. I am an Italian-American, and as such, our lifestyle revolves heavily on cooking and family gatherings that centre on delicious dishes. It is a tradition and rite of passage to learn how to cook for many of us. This is an overwhelmingly positive facet of our heritage, but the media’s obsession with “thin” and “perfection” have demonized any sort of fascination with food beyond what they deem “healthy or fit.” Admittedly, I was heavy as a child and into my teen years – but with changes in my daily lifestyle and just growing, I evened out to what was my normal weight (which was apparently still slightly “larger” than the projected ideal). I still enjoyed any type of food that I wanted and never did I have to restrict. Naturally, as I got older, I became interested in finding a meaningful relationship with a girl. This was when the pressure of having to achieve that outrageous image of “true masculinity” began to weigh heavily on my mind, and my interactions with women in my age group reinforced these damaging gender stereotypes.”

Joshua was also influenced by the media.

“The problem is that “having abs” and looking like an actor/model is so much more than losing weight – it is about obsession to the point of illness.”

Joshua was shamed for his appearance when he became very ill during his eating disorder.

“Ironically, I never did achieve the appearance I aspired to even when I was dangerously skinny. I merely became an emaciated mess, which ended up working against me as I was told it “feminized” my looks and made many girls lose interest.”

Although no one should ever reach any weight, shape, or size by unhealthy means, this shows again the idea of an “ideal” body shape and size for men that has pervaded our society. Whilst no one is naturally emaciated, many men are naturally slim and can feel ashamed of being so. In fact, within a couple of weeks of being with one of my partners, he asked me, “Is my body okay? Am I too skinny?” because he was naturally slim. I had never even considered that this might be an insecurity of his, but it is more common than we think. Insecurity is rife amongst both men and women, and whilst this is damaging in itself, this can also contribute towards the development of eating disorders, which are severe and life-threatening. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and other restrictive eating disorders follow close behind.

“I find it so difficult to explain to anyone I meet (especially potential dates/prospects) that I am trying to heal from this battle. It is such a strange position to be put in – knowing that double standard of men not expecting to be concerned with weight or appearance (to be outwardly cavalier/macho) but still having to hide their true feelings when exercising themselves into oblivion for muscles/being defined. Gender roles and expectations for men are just as serious [as they are for women] – yet they fly under the radar as something that doesn’t happen and are laughed at by those from older generations.”

These myths, stereotypes, and stigmas need to become a thing of the past. We need to be talking about eating disorders more in general, but we also need to start prioritising the inclusion of men in every conversation that we have about it. We need people to stand up and talk about their experiences, but this should never have to be their responsibility in the first place. We need to educate ourselves and each other about the realities of eating disorders and how they affect men as well as women. We need to dispel the untruths and we need to be more proactive in challenging hyper-masculinity in our society. We need to help our men, and we need to help them to ask for support. If we don’t, we are going to lose them. If you are someone who looks down on men with eating disorders; if you are someone who sees them as weak, put that aside now, and take the time to research eating disorders. Keeping your mind shut to their suffering is costing them their health, their happiness, and sometimes even their lives. These are your sons, your brothers, your husbands, your friends. Each minute we continue to treat our men with eating disorders as weak; each minute we continue to dismiss them, we put their lives in danger.

*Names have been changed for confidentiality

Digestive Distress in Eating Disorder Recovery

tummy troubles 3

So you’ve started recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, and suddenly you’re experiencing tummy troubles: troubles you may or may not have been expecting. I know that when I started recovery, I was unprepared for the physical symptoms and did not attribute some of them to recovery process. I wish I’d known more: my mum and I were baffled when I started sweating so profusely at night that I was soaking the sheets through, and I thought I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at one point when I was unable to even sit up in bed I was so tired. Both of these are normal recovery symptoms (sweating lots indicates your metabolism speeding up, and exhaustion is your body telling you to rest and repair).

The first set of symptoms to normally occur, however, are those related to your digestive system: gas, bloating, constipation, diarrhoea, acid reflux, indigestion, partly digested food, abdominal pain, and having very frequent bowel movements. These symptoms are not fun, and they are certainly not comfortable. However, recovery is about persistence.

tummy troubles 2

Restriction has a huge affect on the body, and with the digestive system, if it the body isn’t processing food regularly and consistently, it will stop wasting energy on working so efficiently. The digestive system slows down: a healthy person’s digestion rate is about 1.5 hours, whereas someone who has been starving themselves can have a digestion rate of 4 or 5 hours. This means that when you start to nourish your body with adequate and consistent energy, the digestive system will need a while to catch up. During the beginning of your recovery, because your digestive system will be working slower, food will sit in the stomach or bowel longer than it should do, which can result in abdominal distension, gas, and constipation. Or the body can go I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO PROCESS THAT, which can result in diarrhoea.

Restriction also can result in critical bacteria in the gut being reduced, and digestive enzyme levels being not as they should be, which also contributes towards digestive issues.

Wastage of muscles in the abdominal area can also cause distension as the muscles are not strong enough to hold things in more firmly when food is eaten. Do remember though that your stomach will distend slightly throughout the day naturally – the more food, the more your stomach will distend, and this normal and healthy. Those in recovery though will often find that the bloating and distension is far more extreme than that of a healthy person -and that is normal for the recovery process. Remember that your stomach has most likely shrunken during starvation, and will need to be stretched back to a normal size with refeeding. This is not going to be a great feeling, and it is likely to cause pain and tenderness.

The other thing to talk about is IBS and food sensitivities. During your eating disorder, your body can become unused to processing certain foods, for example, carbohydrates could be one. Dairy products could be another. This could lead you to think that you have a gluten or lactose intolerance if in recovery you start to reintroduce foods like bread, pasta, biscuits, cakes, and pastries, and/or ice cream, cheese, chocolate, and milk back into your diet and you get adverse digestive effects. However, this is generally not the case. If your body has become unused to processing foods that you have restricted for a long time, it is logical that it will now have to work up a tolerance again (like babies have to). It does not mean that you will be permanently intolerant. Abstaining from these foods that you are sensitive to will only mean that the body never gets used to processing it again. Refeeding and reintroducing these foods slowly into your diet – with the help of a doctor if the results are severe – will help your body develop a tolerance to them again and heal the gut. The same is true of IBS. Your doctor may have diagnosed you with IBS if tests for other conditions came back negative. Most of the time, sensitivities and IBS are resolved with refeeding, so give it time. Recovery requires patience and perseverance, so bear with the discomfort and keep on going. If after years, certain symptoms have not resolved themselves, then it is time to look for other causes, but this is fairly uncommon. Obviously if you have diagnosed food allergies or diseases/conditions such as Celiac disease, Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis, neuropathy disease, or have any obstruction in the GI tract, or have any other diagnosed medical condition that would be dangerous and cause damage to you if you were to increase certain foods/types of foods into your diet, then the paragraph above does not apply to you.

So, onto gas. This is probably the most awkward of the recovery symptoms. Smelly gas; loud gas; persistent gas; gas that wakes both you and your partner up with a start when you trump in the night (yes, that happened to me). It can feel embarrassing, but it’s one of the most common symptoms in recovery. If it happens in front of someone (which it probably will) just giggle about it. It may even help to pre-warn them if you are happy to let that person know that you are in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder. It means that they will be expecting it and you can laugh about it (which you can do even if it is a surprise). Everyone farts- you’re just going to be letting off wind a hell of a lot more than the average person for a while.

Frequent bowel movements are also normal. This can be a sign of your digestive system speeding up. I went to the toilet to poop up to seven times in a day for a while (yup, really). If your bowel movements are loose, this could be the I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO PROCESS THAT from above.

It is important to continue to eat, even when it is the last thing that you want to do. If you are experiencing a lot of pain, then it is okay to give yourself a break and eat when it feels more tolerable, but discomfort and slight pain is normal and it is important to eat adequately and consistently. However, if you are worried about any symptoms that you are experiencing, please see a doctor to determine if there is anything other than the normal recovery process going on in your body.

So how do you deal with these recovery symptoms?

tummy troubles

Firstly, if you are experiencing constipation, eating fats can help move things along. Getting some fibre never goes amiss to prevent it from happening, but this is recovery, so doing healthy people things won’t necessarily work. Warm water is also extremely helpful for constipation – I’d never heard of it before but it has saved me a couple of times. If your stomach is not feeling so great, herbal teas can help settle it, and a hot water bottle can help ease pain or discomfort. For acid reflux and indigestion, there are over the counter medications that you could use, or you can visit your doctor for other options.

I know it sucks, but don’t give up – these symptoms do not last forever. Be patient, and stay on course. Keep moving forwards. As Churchill once said “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” You will come out the other side.

New Year’s Resolutions vs Eating Disorder Recovery

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So New Year’s Eve has come and gone, and people are scribbling their new year’s resolutions all over social media and bringing them up in conversation. And if truth be told, it’s boring. It’s boring and it’s pointless, because most people jump simultaneously on the resolutions and diet culture band wagon and publicise their diet/weightloss/health/exercise #goals for 2016, which predictably (and thankfully) are forgotten about a month or so into the year.

For some people, it’s not just boring, it’s anxiety-provoking, and those people are those recovering from a restrictive eating disorder. After knuckling down and recognising and accepting that weight gain is part of the process, as is eating much more, ceasing exercise during recovery and cutting it down in general for life, and eating and regaining a healthy relationship with “fear foods” which generally consist of high fat, high carb, or high sugar foods/food groups, they then have to watch everyone pledge to lose weight, exercise more, and cut down on “unhealthy” foods.

If you are one of those people, it’s going to be hard seeing and hearing about all these new years resolutions that trigger negative thoughts and emotions, and tempt you to engage in the same behaviours that for most would end in the cessation of them, but for you would end in the spiral back down to misery and sickness, and could end in death. It could be an obvious impulse to just say “fuck it” and relapse, or it could come under the manipulative guise of “health” – that eating disorder voice whispering in your ear that going paleo, cutting down on carbs, or hitting the gym would not be a behaviour but just a way to get healthier (Nope. It’s a behaviour. It would be many steps backwards and the path to full relapse). If you are experiencing any of the above difficulties, you need to remember to focus on yourself. Other people’s behaviours should not impact on your own. You know where it would lead you, and it is important to make it your utmost priority to do what is best for you, your recovery, your happiness, and your health. Don’t allow other people’s insecurities and anxieties about their weight and shape influence your own actions. Instead, empathise with them. Know that they are not feeling happy with themselves and hope for their sake that they find a way to accept their bodies as they are naturally and celebrate themselves as beautiful people with beautiful bodies.

Remove toxic relationships or negative people from your life if you are finding a certain person consistently triggering. Unfollow people on social media who are likely to post/continue posting about weightloss, dieting, exercising, or anything else that triggers you as an individual. Talk to the people in your life who try to have conversation with you about their diet or exercise routines or similar, and let them know that it is unhelpful for you. Those who love you and care about you will cease pushing these topics on you. Those that don’t are the toxic, negative people in your life that I mentioned above.

Finally, know that your recovery is mandatory. You need to do what is best for you and your recovery, and that means fighting the negative thoughts and getting rid of any constantly triggering people. You deserve to live a happy and healthy life. Keep working for that, and keep moving forwards. You can do this.

Christmas and New Year: Anxiety Aftermath

anxiety

So Christmas and New Year are finally over. Most people with eating disorders approached the Christmas period with intense fear and have probably left it with intense guilt. And that’s okay and that’s not okay. By that I mean that it is okay to experience those feelings. You are not alone and those feelings are not your fault. What’s not okay is that your eating disorder has control over your life, so keep fighting the war against it, and don’t respond to those negative feelings. You are going to be okay and you can get through this.

If you ate more than you usually would this Christmas, went outside your meal plan, or ate what a normal person would eat over the Christmas period, I can imagine that right now you are feeling extremely stressed, and terrified that you have put on weight or that your body composition will change. And if you have put on weight or your body composition has changed, that’s okay. If you have stayed the same, that’s okay too, but remember that part of recovery is about gaining weight, and along with that does come a changing body.

The guilt of going against those eating disorder rules can be overwhelming, but it is important to remember that this is part of recovery. Going against your eating disorder and doing what you deserve is part of fighting the battle inside your head. Eating whatever you want, whenever you want, is the goal, and so if you were able to do that for a day, or two, or more, or even if you were able to eat a little more than normal, you are making small steps towards achieving that outcome. That is a wonderful thing, however terrible it might feel right now.

Unfortunately, feeling negative feelings and thinking negative thoughts are part of recovery. If it wasn’t, recovery would be pretty easy-going. It’s important to push past that and sit with the feeling of anxiety (and other negative feelings) rather than respond to them. The feeling will pass if you give it time to. You can read my post on anxiety management that may help you sit with anxiety and other negative emotions and thoughts.

You may also be feeling triggered by the people around you, complaining that they have put on weight or have eaten “too much” this Christmas, or need to go on a diet because of that. Please ignore them. They are battling their own insecurities and are looking for reassurance that this is okay and that other people feel the same and that they are not alone. This is really, really sad, and something that no one should have to feel. Enjoying the Christmas food is part of the festivity, and no one should have to feel guilty for it. Know that other people’s worries are not a reflection on you, and you should keep in mind that it is not something positive that they are experiencing, but guilt and anxiety and insecurity. So instead of letting their negativity impact on you, empathise with them, as guilt, anxiety, and insecurity are emotions that you are likely experiencing also (albeit on a much grander scale to those who do not have eating disorders). Keep moving forwards towards your goals. Keep moving forward on your journey towards health and happiness. Keep in mind your motivations, and remember that the way you respond to others only affects you primarily. You can do this. Keep moving forwards.

 

Exercise (pt 2): Exercise and Eating Disorders

exercise addiction

This is the second part to the article I wrote last time, which talked about exercise in general and the way that an unhealthy mindset around exercise has infiltrated our society as a whole.

Today I want to talk about exercise and eating disorders.

Like I spoke about two weeks ago, nearly everyone views exercise as something that is healthy, regardless of how it is used. During my recovery from my eating disorder, I told a friend about my compulsive exercise and about how I was trying to challenge it because I was doing x amount of exercise a week because I felt that I had to, and hadn’t been able to stop myself from doing it even when I didn’t want to. She genuinely replied with “Yeah but that’s fine because exercise is good!” Because we have such a warped view about exercise, many people don’t seem to understand how detrimental it is to those with eating disorders, especially when it doesn’t appear to be severe.

Some people with eating disorders push themselves to the extreme when it comes to exercise. Some people exercise for five hours a day, and some more. Some people never let themselves sit down – ever – except when sleeping (and I’ve even known someone to sleep standing up). It is easier for people without eating disorders to understand why this might be a problem, but when you are someone with an eating disorder who exercises in a way that people might perceive as inspiring and healthy; in a way that people might see as #goals; in a way that people aspire to, you may end up with congratulations rather than concern.

For those who have exercise addiction, you can’t just stop when you want to, or give yourself a day off (unless you already have a “scheduled” day/time, and then it must be that day/time and none other). You will miss social events if it coincides with your sessions. You will feel incredibly anxious before exercising, and after the exhilaration of finishing a workout has subsided, you will feel the dread of knowing that in less than 24 hours you will be repeating the same monotonous and exhausting work out. You will continue with your exercise routine however much you don’t want to do it, however tired you feel, or however sick you are. It is not enjoyment that drives someone with exercise addiction: it is the perceived need to do so.

As well as being mentally draining, compulsive exercise (also known an obligatory exercise or in extreme cases, anorexia athletica) can have a negative effect on the body. Firstly, by working out intensely every day, the body is being put under a lot of strain, and is not being given any time to recover, which is needed. Those addicted to exercise will work out even if they are ill or injured, which could have serious consequences to their health, including damage to tendons, ligaments, bones, cartilage, and joints. When injuries happen and are not given enough rest to heal, this can result in long-term damage. If the body is not getting the nutrition that it needs, muscle can be broken down for energy instead of building muscle. Girls and women could disrupt the balance of hormones in their bodies, which can change menstrual cycles and even lead to the absence of them altogether. It can also increase the risk of premature bone loss, which is known as osteoporosis. The most serious risk is the stress that excessively exercising can place on the heart, particularly when someone is also restricting their intake, or using self-induced vomiting to control their weight. Using diet pills or supplements can also increase the risk for heart complications. In worst case scenarios, restrictive eating disorders and compulsive exercise can result in death.

The reasons behind exercise addiction can be complicated when it comes to eating disorders. For many people it is an additional means of furthering and/or quickening weight loss, or it could be the main part of someone’s eating disorder, in order to get “fit” or muscular (anorexia athletica). It could be about control. It could be, like the rest of the eating disorder, a form of distraction from feeling or thinking certain things. It could be part of orthorexia (an obsession with eating “healthy” or “pure” foods and leading “healthy” or “pure” lifestyle). Athletes, dancers, wrestlers, gymnasts, and other people who are fixated with keeping in shape and keeping their weight down for their careers are also susceptible to developing exercise addiction.

Although it is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, exercise addiction is a serious and potentially life-threatening obsession, and needs to be taken extremely seriously. It is not just a strain on the body but a strain on the mind. It is absolutely exhausting, and completely miserable to experience. It can take up a huge amount of your life and a huge amount of your thoughts, and is extremely unhealthy for your physical and mental health. Whether it  is the main part of an eating disorder, a lesser part of an eating disorder, or a disorder on its own, compulsive exercise is serious. It is something that must be challenged and overcome as part of recovery from an eating disorder, and must be ceased until the unhealthy relationship with exercise is broken and remade into something healthy. Only in remission can someone make an informed and healthy decision about whether to restart exercise and how much/what to do in regards to moving their body. Even then, it’s a fine line.

I talk more about a healthy relationship with exercise in part 1.

If you think you may be developing/have developed an addiction to exercise, seek medical help from your GP.

Signs that you or someone you know may be suffering from compulsive exercise include (but are not limited to) the following:

  • Not enjoying exercise sessions, but feeling obligated to do them
  • Seeming (or being) anxious or guilty when missing even one workout
  • Not missing a single workout and possibly exercising twice as long if one is missed
  • Seeming (or being) constantly preoccupied with his or her (or your) weight and exercise routine
  • Not being able to sit still or relax because of worry that not enough calories are being burnt
  • A significant amount of weightloss
  • Increase in exercise after eating more
  • Not skipping a workout, even if tired, sick, or injured
  • Skipping seeing friends, or giving up activities/hobbies to make more time for exercise
  • Basing self-worth on the number of workouts completed and the effort put into training
  • Never being satisfied with his or her (or your) own physical achievements
  • Working out alone, isolated from others, or so that other people are not aware of how much exercise is being done
  • Following the same rigid exercise pattern.
  • Exercising for more than two hours daily, repeatedly

(sites used for reference and more information: 

http://www.brainphysics.com/exercise-addiction.php
http://addictions.about.com/od/lesserknownaddictions/a/exerciseadd.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/compulsive_exercise.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exercise_addiction )

Oh Yes, Eating Disorders Are SO Glamorous

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(TRIGGER WARNING – Eating disorder behaviours written about)

You’ve probably seen it: the glorified photographs of underweight celebrities and models; the tiny, fragile, delicate girls in movies with eating disorders (think Cassie from Skins), maybe you’ve read the overly simplified and massively invalidating Winter Girls. Anorexia is the “diet” everyone wants to be on. Well, maybe not everyone, but I’ve heard the offhand comments: “I wish I had just a touch of anorexia”or “I’d do anything to have a bit of anorexia for a couple of weeks!” Even bulimia, the less glamorised eating disorder gets a look in: “I tried bulimia but I just hate throwing up!”

Why yes, of course, you’re totally right! Eating disorders are SO glamorous.

When my eating disorder forced me to walk forty-five minutes home with a week’s worth of food shopping every week, I totally felt glamorous. When I had to pause every ten minutes because I felt like I was going to pass out, and when I damaged the nerves in my fingers from the tightness of the shopping bag handles, I totally felt glamorous. When I wet myself a little bit now and again because my body was eating away at my bladder to try and get energy, I felt more glamorous than anyone. When I vomited into the toilet and got splashback on my face, it was so glamorous: even more so when I popped the blood vessels around my eyes. When I drunkenly locked myself in my boyfriend’s bathroom and cut my all over my arms, legs, and stomach, it was as glamorous as anyone would want to be. It was also super glamorous when my eating disorder punished me by making me work out vigorously for two hours straight on a malnourished, weak, failing body, until I was at the point of collapse, and when I made myself throw up at a party and a friend heard the whole thing, and when I cried on the train because the man on the other side of the aisle was eating a sandwich and I so desperately wanted to feel “allowed” to have that; have anything. And when I had to run home from a restaurant after eating something with fats in because I immediately got diarrhoea. And also when I screamed at my partner for putting a dash of milk in our scrambled eggs, and smashing a glass and kicking him out of the house when he turned over my “notices” to myself reading “fat bitch” and “starve yourself” and wrote “you are beautiful” and “you are perfect” on the back of them instead. And even more so when all I genuinely, truly wanted was to be chained to a bed so that I could not access the kitchen and eat anything. When I couldn’t think straight and my relationship was ruined and my body was cannibalising itself and my personality had diminished to nothing so that I had no hobbies or interests bar losing weight – what could anyone wish for than a touch of what I had; a touch of what millions of people suffer with every day? Anorexia, bulimia, OSFED, ARFID, anorexia athletica, orthorexia…what more could anyone want but those restrictive eating disorders that destroy your life, take away your health, eliminate your personality, interfere with your ability to work, and wreck your relationships?

And just so you know, eating disorders don’t necessarily make you skinny. They make you sick, and they make you so miserable that you wish you would just die, and they make you more and more dead every minute, but sometimes you don’t even get to be skinny. And even when you are skinny, you’ll never know it. The skinnier you get the fatter you’ll feel. With every pound you lose, you’ll hate it with more and more passion that you’ve ever felt towards anything else, and that will only drive you to continue to lose more, in the hopes that it will make you feel better. But it never will.

So sure, go about wishing you had just a “touch” of what we have. You know that saying ‘be careful what you wish for’? It could not be more true than when it comes to this.

In addition to the idiotic notion that having an eating disorder would be worth it because you’d get skinny, having these incredibly ignorant opinions invalidates and undermines the severity of an eating disorder, thus eradicating the experiences of those suffering from them. Having those sorts of opinions makes our pain invisible, because you don’t understand that it exists.

So learn more about eating disorders, because you know someone with one. You might not think you do, but you do, trust me. Someone in your life is struggling. Don’t let their experiences be invisible to you.

End rant.

Recovered Does Not Mean Cured

recovery

I like to write positive posts about recovery and what it means to be recovered and all the fantastic things about it. I like to illustrate how amazing it is to go from being very mentally and physically sick to being a functioning human being with passions and interests. I like to talk about going from empty to fulfilled; suicidal to content. But I also want to talk about the realities of recovery, and talk about where the eating disorder goes once you reach remission.

In an ideal world, reaching full recovery would mean that the eating disorder was banished from our brains for good. It would mean that the war, once won, was never to be fought again. In a way, that can be the case. You don’t have to fight that war ever again if you remain stable and strong in your remission, but there will be a few riots to deal with, and the odd battle here and there. The war will be won, but the eating disorder will always try and rebel where it can.

The eating disorder will always be there, in each and every one of us who have been a victim of this deadly disease. It is part of our genetic make up, and worse than that, it’s a part that has been triggered. It cannot be un-triggered, and it cannot be un-learnt. But that’s okay: people who have suffered from an eating disorder and fought it are some of the bravest and strongest people. If you’ve never had an eating disorder you will never know how exhausting and gruelling it is to fight it, but take my word on it: it’s one of the toughest (if not the toughest) that we will ever have to do. With all that strength we have, after beating the eating disorder, keeping it in check is a hell of a lot easier than what we have already been through.But it is important to know that it will be there, and you have to make sure that you are the one that stays in control at all times.

It is a mistake that those who haven’t had an eating disorder can easily make: that once it has been defeated, then it is gone. Sometimes people don’t understand that once a day, or once a week, or once a month, there will be a little battle that we have to fight. And it is fairly easy to win it, but if we give in due to not being vigilant, or feeling too tired to resist it that day, it is something that can quickly spiral out of control.

Take my last 24 hours, for instance. I had to go home from work with a severely upset stomach. My mum told me not to eat for 24 hours (a sensible thing to do in this situation), so I geared up for that challenge. After eight hours, I was starving, so I ate a cracker and smoked a cigarette, and my hunger pretty much vanished. That reared the head of the beast, and a little voice said see how easy it is to make your appetite disappear. I also kept stroking my stomach to see if it felt flatter, because when I was sick and would have an upset stomach, my stomach always felt super flat and I liked that. After 20 hours with only 3 crackers, I tentatively made some toast to test out my stomach. The little voice told me that I could just go longer without eating, and that I’m too sick to eat at all, and I felt resistance to wanting to start eating again. I will fight that small battle every time I get a stomach bug and can’t eat for a while, because for me, once I stop eating, I find it a small challenge to start again. I know that I can fight that, but there is always the possibility that I could give in to it and that the eating disorder would take the wheel and I would fall into the back seat. It is so important to recognise when the eating disorder is trying to worm its way into your thoughts and influence your actions, so that you can roar at it to get back in its place (metaphorically, of course – I’m not sure how those around you would react to that kind of outburst).

Another example is exercise. I enjoy some types of physical activity like badminton, swimming, and walking. I love doing it, but so does my eating disorder. That means that I have to constantly assess how I am feeling towards it. It means that when I can’t do exercise (like now, being ill), I feel anxiety. It means that I have to consistently challenge myself to make sure that I am in control, not my eating disorder. This means that I take rest days where I don’t exercise whatsoever. If ever I told myself to take a rest day or two, and couldn’t do it, there would be a problem. It would not be me taking charge in that situation, and I’d then have to work through that and fight a bigger fight. I think anyone who chooses to be active in their remission and has had exercise addiction will always walk a line with it. If I ever exercise when I am ill or injured, or when I have challenged myself not to, or because I feel I have to even though I am not enjoying it, that is when there will be an issue. I have to watch out for that, and so does everyone else in my position.

There are also bad body image days. In our society this is – tragically – normal, but for those with an eating disorder it can be accentuated, or a trigger and therefore more dangerous. It means accepting the bad day, or week, or month, and not responding to it, which can be incredibly hard as someone without an eating disorder, let alone someone with one.

There are many different things that will trigger different people, and although a lot of triggers become null and void, most people have one or two (or more) that remain with them. Having those triggers, and having the eating disorder itself, means that we are always at risk of relapse. It means that we do still have to fight battles that other people do not have to fight. It means that we have to be vigilant and careful and assess our thoughts and behaviours towards things like food, exercise, and our bodies on a regular basis.

Recovered does not mean cured. Recovered means in remission. It means that it can come back, and it means that we will always be fighting, even if the fight is a million times easier to win.

Counting Calories and Recovery

numbers

It seems like something that would be counter-productive to suggest, but counting calories is a really important part of recovery – especially during the initial stages. Counting calories is very likely a large part of you or your child’s (or partner’s/sibling’s/friend’s et) eating disorder, so it can seem like madness to say ‘continue doing this’, but hear me out.

Whilst counting calories was used as a way to restrict, it now needs to be used as a way to heal. So we are turning around a negative habit and using it to make sure that the person recovering gets enough energy into their body. Getting enough energy is essential for recovery, and it is likely to be something that proves impossible to do unless someone is counting the calories of the person recovering.

For most people it will be you; the recoverer, that counts. Sometimes it will be parents or partners. Either way, those calories need to be counted because after an eating disorder, people have unreliable hunger cues. The body has gone so long without food that it has repressed the signals, and so it can take a long time for reliable hunger cues to return again and for the body to learn to expect food and give signs as to when it needs it. This can mean that eating can feel like a chore to some. It could mean that you will have no appetite and feel too full, but it is important to ensure that you continue eating adequately regardless. It could mean that you feel really hungry sometimes, but other times have no appetite. Respond to any hunger or cravings that you have, and continue eating enough even when you don’t have an appetite. You may have reliable hunger cues straight away, which would be great and would lead you to eat what you need to eat in order to recover. Responding to mental hunger is also really important. Mental hunger is just another signal from the brain to tell you that you are hungry. All signals come from the brain, and it is crucial to listen. So if you don’t feel the physical signs of hunger but are wanting or craving food, then it is necessary to listen to that signal and respond to it – always.

So how are you going to count calories? I would advise staying away from apps such as MyFitnessPal, as they can be incredibly triggering due to the fact that they try to suggest restrictive amounts to eat, and they are an app focused on weight loss. You could just use a ‘notes’ app and count it up yourself and keep the number on record for the day there, or you could write ‘500’ as many times as adds up to how much you need to eat on a sheet of paper or on a notes app on your phone, and just cross it off every time you reach 500 calories. This can mean that you know you are getting closer to your goal but don’t need to count the number if not thinking of the number helps. If your parents or partner are very involved in your recovery, they could do the counting for you if this is possible and more beneficial for your recovery.

Calorie counting can be triggering for many people, but the alternative of under-eating is much more harmful. Under-eating – which many people in recovery will do due to unreliable hunger cues if they do not count calories or have them counted for them – will mean that the body cannot heal. Mental and physical recovery are interconnected, so if the body is not getting enough energy, this will also impact on mental recovery also. Under-eating means that neither mental nor physical recovery will be able to take place, so counting calories until your hunger is reliable is a necessity. This is one habit that will have to be saved until a bit later to break – which is okay, because there are many habits and thought processes to manage, change, and break, and there has to be something that is saved until last (or later on)!

So you’ve been counting calories for a while and making sure you that you get the energy that your body needs. How do you know when you can stop counting and start going by hunger? When you start feeling like your hunger is happening in a reliable way which is consistent with when you should be eating and how much you should be eating, you can start thinking about testing out that hunger to make sure that it is naturally bringing you to the amount you need. A good way to test how reliable your hunger is, is to write out everything you eat for a week (or two weeks), and then count it up for each day, add it all up to get the total amount, and divide it by seven (or fourteen). The average figure should come to around the amount that is suggested as the minimum for you to eat during your recovery (this is around the amount that you should need forever). If it is three hundred to four hundred calories below that total, then I would really suggest that you continue to count calories as your hunger signals are likely to be unreliable. Most people will naturally and intuitively eat the amount recommended for them, or close to it, as this is the amount that an energy-balanced body needs each and every day. Some people do have hunger that is below or above the average (for example, someone who is expected to need 3000 calories for their age, gender, height, and activity levels could find that they naturally eat 2400, or 3600), and that is absolutely okay. However, if you are eating more than three hundred to four hundred less than what is recommended as adequate, it is more than likely that it is your hunger cues that are unreliable and you still have a little way to go before they are back to normal. If, say, 2400 calories is your normal hunger, eating 3000 for while longer will not have a negative effect on your recovery process, and will not have an impact on your weight. Your body will adapt to deal with the excess energy by putting it to good use (e.g. to continue repairing your body) or the metabolism will speed up to burn it off. (As a side note, when you are adding up your calories for those tester seven days, if one day has a really low amount, and another a higher amount, for example, 1000 calories one day and 4500 the next, this is a sign of unreliable hunger cues, even if the average does come to around the amount suggested for you. As a second side note, if you are consistently eating well above and beyond the minimum you require for recovery, your hunger cues are working and you are experiencing extreme hunger or higher energy needs still, which is totally normal for recovery).

So let’s say your hunger cues seemed reliable, and testing this out has shown that they are, now what? You can start trying to eat intuitively, but you will need to keep reassessing yourself to make sure your eating disorder is not sneaking in and manipulating the situation. It is important that you eat what you want, when you want, and don’t let the anxiety of stopping calorie counting come out in other ways, such as restricting certain foods types or resisting eating something you want because you are worried you are eating more now you have stopped counting. It is going to make you feel more out of control, but it is important to continue onwards, and not use any other behaviours.

But how do you go about stopping counting calories? Calorie counting is a hard habit to break. It can become so ingrained in you that it can happen even without consciously thinking. There will be different things that work for different people, but here is a list I put together with some suggestions about how to stop counting:

  1. Get yourself and your family to put labels over the calorie amounts on packets etc. This can deter you from looking and also remind you when out of habit you try to check that your goal is to not look and not to count.
  2. Get your family to serve you at dinner time, to challenge skewed perceptions of portion sizes, and to learn to relinquish control over amounts.
  3. Stop measuring foods or liquids.
  4. Eat intuitively for one day (or even one meal). In a week or so, try doing it for two days (or meals). Work your way up until you can ditch the habit altogether.
  5. Visit cafes, restaurants, cinemas, and other places that are uncaloried to get you used to eating meals where you don’t know the calories to face that anxiety and start to overcome it. You can then start trying to do this at home and challenging yourself there.
  6. Listen to your body and its signals (this is also something you should start doing as soon as you get into recovery, even when you are counting calories). Follow your body and tune in to what it is telling you, rather than going by calories you’ve already eaten today or any other calorie “rules” you are sticking by. Start learning to listen to mental and physical hunger, and also learn that you can also eat when you are not hungry if you fancy it.

There are only six suggestions here, and there will be countless other things that can help. If you have any tips that helped you or someone you know, write them in the comments below so that others can benefit from it too!

Counting calories and not counting calories are both big parts of the recovery process, and both relevant at different stages in your journey. Again, make sure that you are not using compensatory behaviours when you start trying to eat intuitively and stop counting calories, such as eating smaller portions, cutting out calorie dense foods, or not drinking liquid calories, out of anxiety. Learning to eat intuitively without compensating due to anxiety is a big part of recovery. You need to learn to eat what you want, when you want, without letting your ED get on the stage with you. Make sure it is not running the show, or even making compromises with you. It doesn’t have a place in the life that you are creating for yourself. This life is yours, and yours only.