Tag Archives: ARFID

Our Bodies and Us: The New Years Revolution

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Artwork by Marie Boiseau

It’s approaching the New Year (another one already?!), and a lot of people will be suffering with those all-too-familiar post-Christmas blues. And a lot of those negative emotions will be coming from the shame and guilt so many of us feel for eating what we wanted and eating more than we usually would. Our cupboards are filled with leftovers: chocolates; biscuits;  crackers; cakes…not to mention the mountain of cheese in the fridge. We are slumped in front of the remaining Christmas TV and we are being inundated with advertisements. Diet advertisements. Like, seriously, they are really shoving it in our faces this year. Every time I turn on my TV there’s a woman with dead eyes smiling at me, talking about her calorie-controlled diet and how much weight she has lost. Her mouth says “this is great!” but her face says “help me I’m starving!”

The diet and weight loss industry raked in $66 billion in America in 2016, and in 2014 the British diet industry was worth £2 billion (and as far as I am aware that hasn’t changed). The UK has a £20 million laxative industry, and almost two thirds of Brits are on a diet “most of the time”, even though research has showed time and time and time again that diets do not work and that 95% of the time people regain the weight that they lost within 2-5 years (and frequently end up gaining more on top of that). In short, these corporate assholes are making money of our self-hatred, and they will feed into it (excuse the pun) as much as they can so they can continue bringing in the big bucks.

Their biggest secret? IT. DOESN’T. WORK. If it did, everyone who has been on a diet or restricted their intake (which if we are honest is pretty much all of us) would be thin, and we would be thin forever, because that is what a success is: reaching a goal and staying past the goal posts (obviously this is not what I view success as, but in that context that is what people on diets are aiming for). But we aren’t staying thin – if we even get there in the first place. Those who go on diets lose weight, then gain it back again, then find another diet to go on, and then regain the weight (and so on and so forth). Or they don’t lose weight at all. If we want to stay thin, we have to punish our bodies and our minds every single day; something that most people cannot sustain, and something that is extremely damaging. Those that can are nearly always the victims of torturous eating disorders – and some of us will die trying to reach an unattainable goal with ever-moving goalposts.

So this year, let’s go into the new year with a different motive. Let’s choose life. Let’s choose happiness. Let’s choose self-love, and body-acceptance. Let’s see food as just that – food. Let’s see how it brings us together. Let’s eliminate the use of labelling foods as “bad” and “good”, and let’s eradicate the words that send a shudder down my spine “I’m being good” or “I’m being naughty” (oh god I’m shuddering just typing it eaugh). Let’s choose to nourish our bodies with adequate and consistent energy. Let’s face our fear foods and overcome them. Let’s stand in front of the mirror and challenge all the negative things that we feel about our bodies. Let’s support our sisters and brothers in body positivity, and let’s make the promise to ourselves and each other not to waste time on diet and weight talk, and self-deprecating comments. It will take time, and it will be hard, but let’s make this not just a New Year’s Resolution, but a New Year’s Revolution. Let’s fight to end body hate, not be a part of it, even if that means taking it one small step at a time.

 

 

Coping At Christmas: A Rough Guide For Those With Eating Disorders (Take 2)

I have pretty much copied and pasted my article from last year on this topic, except for some tweaks, so if you recognise this article, that’s why!

Christmas is looming (how is it tomorrow already?), and people are preparing for Christmas with food, wine, presents, decorations, and of course, advent calenders. This time of year is always filled with trepidation for those of you with eating disorders. It’s a holiday focused around alcohol, food, and family, and at least two of the former bring on that familiar rising panic for lots of people suffering with or recovering from eating disorders.

If you are someone who is living with an eating disorder, and you are approaching Christmas Day with dread, you are not alone, and you can get through it. It is probably going to be a tough day, but there are steps you can take to make the most of it, and to protect yourself from at least some of the stress and anxiety that the day might hold.

Here are my suggestions on how to get through the day:

Focus on Family

Food is a big part of Christmas for most people, but you don’t have to let that be your main focus. Prioritise your family and/or friends and/or partner and enjoy their company. Catch up on the gossip, take part in the board games, and sing along to the carols with grandma. Spend time doing what is enjoyable for you. If your family can make this easier for you, let them know how. Maybe it means trying to keep the topic of conversation away from food. Maybe it means keeping food in the dining room and having the lounge as a food-free zone. Maybe it means going out for a walk with your siblings to get a bit of fresh air and space. Whatever you do, try to keep the focus on the company of those you love, and enjoying the time spent with them.

Set Boundaries with Loved Ones

This is a day that everyone should be able to enjoy to their very best, so do take the time to talk to the people that you will be spending your time with and set your boundaries for the day. This could mean asking them to refrain from talking about New Year’s diets, making food-moralising remarks, or reminding them not to comment on any of your eating habits or your weight. Do not be afraid to voice your needs, and do not be afraid to emphasise how crucial it is that they respect your boundaries. It is important to make clear what you need from them in order for you – and everyone else – to enjoy the day.

Use A Helping Hand

Have a chat with family and identify one or two people who you could use as a “safe person” during Christmas day. It might be good to have two people so that they can share the responsibility (one in the  morning, one in the afternoon for example). These family members can look out for warning signs that you are not coping (or you could devise a signal), and are people you can take aside for reassurance and support. If you don’t have a family member that can help you get through the day, then make sure you have a helpline phone number available on your phone that you can call if any situation gets too overwhelming and you need someone to talk to in order to get through it. 

Challenge Yourself…But Not Too Much

A huge part of the anxiety of the day is that there will be a lot of delicious food around that you will want to eat but also will not want to eat, and that’s the fight between you and your eating disorder. For a lot of people, this battle is going to go on all day, and that can make the day extremely stressful and anxiety-provoking (see Focus on Family for ways to minimise this). This is also a great time to challenge yourself, but a time to not push it too far: you don’t want to make the day even more stressful by pushing yourself to the limit. One way to go about using this day as a manageable challenge is to make rough plan of what you might eat that day. This will give you a guideline that might help you feel a little more contained, but could involve trying something new or facing a fear food. Try not to restrict yourself as much a you can, but it’s okay if you need to feel safe for a day that is so difficult already. Remember that you deserve to enjoy yourself and you deserve to be able to eat the foods that you like.

Take Care of Yourself

You may be around people this Christmas that will not respect your boundaries or may be insensitive or ignorant to your recovery. They may talk about the triggering topics which I mentioned in the “Set Boundaries With Loved Ones” section above, such as complaining that they have put on weight/are going to put on weight, lamenting that they have eaten “too much”, are being “naughty” or “bad” because they are “indulging”, or moaning that they need to go on a diet because of that. Please ignore them. They are battling their own insecurities and are looking for reassurance that what they are doing is okay and that other people feel the same and that they are not alone. This is really, really sad, and something that no one should have to feel. Enjoying the Christmas food is part of the festivity, and no one should have to feel guilty for it. Know that other people’s worries are not a reflection on you, and you should keep in mind that it is not something positive that they are experiencing, but guilt, anxiety, and insecurity. So instead of letting their negativity impact on you, empathise with them, as guilt, anxiety, and insecurity are emotions that you are likely experiencing also (albeit on a much grander scale to those who do not have eating disorders). Then turn your thoughts to yourself and keep moving forwards towards your goals. Keep moving forward on your journey towards health and happiness. Keep in mind your motivations, and remember that the way you respond to others affects you primarily.

Leave the room for a bit if you need to. Take yourself off for a relaxing bath or a nap or to read a book. Go for a stroll. Have a quiet word with that relative who keeps calling the chocolate yule log “bad”. Just take care of yourself and do what you need to do, for you, to have the best day that you can. Do not be afraid to speak up. You need this. You deserve this.

If you are someone who has an un-supportive, highly triggering family, do know that it is okay to decide not to see them at all. If you want to spend Christmas with yourself, your partner, your partner’s family, your friends, or your pets, do it. Do what is best for you. Do what you need to do to continue moving forwards. Do what you need and you deserve to continue working towards health and happiness. Make positive choices, and don’t feel guilty about them. This is what you need. This is what you deserve.

Move On

Christmas is unfortunately never going to be an easy time for those with eating disorders, and it often means that those people go into it with anxiety, and leave it with guilt. It is okay to experience those feelings: you are not alone and those feelings are not your fault. However, you have to keep remembering that these negative emotions are caused by your eating disorder and the control that it has over your life. Keep fighting the war against it, and don’t respond to those negative feelings. You are going to be okay and you can get through this. Christmas will be over in a blink of an eye, and then it is time to put it behind you and move on from that day. Don’t carry the stress from it with you. Let the day go. Remember that it is absolutely, 110%, super okay to eat more than usual, go outside your meal plan, eat “normally”, or respond to extreme hunger (this applies for always, of course). It is okay to put on weight. It is okay to enjoy yourself. The guilt of going against those eating disorder rules can be overwhelming, but it is important to remember that this is part of recovery. Going against your eating disorder and doing what you deserve is part of fighting the battle inside your head. Eating whatever you want, whenever you want, is the goal, and so if you were able to do that for a day, or two, or more, or even if you were able to eat a little more than normal, you are making small steps towards achieving that outcome. That is a wonderful thing.

If the anxiety is becoming overwhelming, check out my article on anxiety management here.

Original article can be read here.

 

So Now We Have to Lose Weight to Get Surgery

On Sunday I read the news that obese NHS patients will not get non-urgent surgery until they lose weight.

It made me want to cry. I’m a recovered anorexic who is very active and eats a varied and balanced diet and because of that I am both fit and healthy. I also happen to fall into the “obese” BMI category. In order to lose weight I would have to restrict my food and exercise to the extreme, leaving me both hungry and exhausted; pushing my body below the weight that it sits naturally at. This is unhealthy, and it would mean that my physical and mental health would be in decline. I would also end up spiralling back down into a very dark and dangerous place, with even more devastating and continual effects to my physical and mental health. If I required non-urgent surgery, I would therefore have to force my body into a place where it is not at its healthiest, experience distressing physical symptoms, and in the process would be triggered into a life-threatening mental illness that could leave my physical health in such a bad way that it could kill me – if the torture of living with an active and consuming eating disorder didn’t tempt me to end my life first. In short, I would be put in a life-threatening situation in order to get non-urgent surgery. For me, it wouldn’t be worth the risk.

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Artwork by Francis Cannon

BMI is bullshit. All health professionals know this. And if they don’t, then they should: there’s been so much indisputable evidence that shows us that using a basic BMI chart to tell us whether we are healthy or not is ridiculously primitive, simplistic, and inaccurate. To think that I might not have access to the same healthcare as someone thinner than me after working so incredibly hard to get to this healthy and happy point in my life both physically and mentally makes me feel sick.

We all have individual natural and healthy weight ranges that our bodies choose and we maintain when we have a healthy lifestyle. We don’t get to choose that weight. No one else gets to choose that weight. Our bodies determine it. And those people who don’t fit into the “socially ideal” weight category (that literally wasn’t EVER intended as a way to measure health) get punished for it (whilst those who push the “obesity epidemic” and reinforce the stigma and myths around “obesity” profit from it). There is so much overwhelming evidence that it is possible to be healthy at most weights, shapes, or sizes (depending on yourself as an individual and what your own personal healthy weight is), and it is nauseating to think that people will be forced to make a choice that could cause them both physical and mental distress. 

Even regardless of health, “singling out patients in this way goes against the principles of the NHS,” says Mr Ian Eardley, senior vice-president at the Royal College of Surgeons in The Independent.

The article also reports on more details:

Patients with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of over 40 will not be referred for routine surgery unless they are able to reduce it to under that number over a nine-month period.

Alternatively they will be required to shed 15 per cent of their weight, according NHS Herts Valley Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG) and NHS East and North Hertfordshire CCG. 

Whichever achieves the greater weight loss will then allow them to be considered for surgery.

Patients with a BMI over 30 but under 40 will also be required to reduce that figure to under 30 or lose 10 per cent of their weight before they are considered for surgery.

This decision is yet another discriminatory act against people in larger bodies in the UK, and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of being told everywhere I look that my body is “wrong”. I’m tired of watching my category of bodies represented by images of men and women with protruding stomachs and their heads cut out of the shots as if they are nothing but  their size (for example right now I typed in “obese patients will not get non-urgent surgery until they lose weight” into Google and the majority of the images are fat people with their heads chopped off – seriously, I’m so done). I’m tired of things like having a “World Obesity day” following the National Mental Health day – which if it wasn’t so revoltingly ironic, would be laughable, without even addressing the fact that there is literally a day to tell us all how bad and unhealthy our bodies are if we are over a BMI of 30.

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Artwork by Frances Cannon

Despite that, I’m someone who exists in a body that is fairly “average”. Even as an “obese” person, I have an amount of thin privilege. I can fit into clothing at regular stores. My friends laugh as if it is absurd when I say that my body fits into the “obese” category. My booty is the UK’s “average” size (although this booty is anything but average, just saying), and my top half is below the UK’s “average” size (and just so you know the average clothing size for women in the UK is a size 16, which is a US size 12, and in the U.S. the average size is between a 12-14, which is a UK size 16-18). I have only had one health professional (physiotherapist) mention my weight in a negative way (AFTER I had told him all about my previous experience with an eating disorder and described to him my active lifestyle and balanced diet. And boy, did he receive an educational six-page feedback letter on eating disorders and health at every size? Yes he most certainly did). The discrimination that I face is significantly less than those who live in bigger bodies than I do, and it can have devastating effects on mental health.

I don’t want to be fighting to be seen as equal to other people because of my BMI. I don’t want to fight for those bigger and smaller than me to be treated the same. I don’t want to fight to get rid of negative associations with certain body sizes. I just want it to BE like that. Right now. I will, of course, keep fighting this fight, but man, am I exhausted of having to argue with at least one person every time I say that to be obese is okay and that someone who is obese can be just as healthy as someone who is not. And now we have our healthcare to fight for, too.

Hopefully, one day, we will all be at peace with our own bodies, and each other’s, and regardless of our weight, shape, or size, we will be treated equally and our health considered individually. Until then, let’s keep being angry, let’s keep speaking up, let’s keep pointing out the evidence, and let’s never give up.

Artwork by Francis Cannon

A Balanced Diet: What Do Those Words Really Mean?

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We hear it everywhere: in order to be healthy, you need to eat a balanced diet. But what does that really mean? I’m scrolling through Google images right now trying to find an appropriate picture to go with this article, and at least half of the images only show “healthy” foods. You know what I mean: your greens; your grains; your fish; your eggs; your cheese; your meats (the latter four tiny splodges at the top compared to the large array of fruits and breads). A large percentage of the pictures are only of fruit and veg. I mean, come on: I have my own “cheese corner” in my fridge, and no one is ever taking that away from me. Especially not a food chart.

For the most part, the food triangle often used to demonstrate balanced eating is a fairly accurate rough guide, and looks something like this:
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It is a rough guide to the way our diet will look if we listen to our bodies (when energy-balanced and healthy in themselves – not in a state of recovery or beforehand) and follow its cues – and we do not have to do any counting or checking or weighing or recording to trust that this is what our bodies will naturally lead us to do. Our bodies are extremely intelligent and I urge you to listen to them over most external influences.

I also like this pie chart, apart from the wording of “treats”, as these types of foods should just be another part of the pie chart rather than being labelled with a word that holds so many negative connotations.

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What I do like about this pie chart is that it shows that 10% of your diet in a day should include foods deemed “unhealthy” by society. Foods like cookies, sweets, chocolate, cake, biscuits etc. Now this chart shows a representation of your daily diet. If you start to think about it, that means that you can eat these foods every day – something that I have seen demonised in countless magazines and online articles. I have often seen or heard advice that you should only eat “treats” a few times a week, and no way am I giving up my daily dose of baked goods, however much you tell me it’s not good for me, Karen.

The thing is, a lot of us believe the words “balanced diet ” to exclude those yummy foods that are so often seen as the devil. The thing is, these foods are an important part of a varied, balanced diet. They are part of our mental health – because we should not deprive ourselves of anything. They are a good, quick energy source for our bodies, and they are especially helpful to our bodies in recovery because of this. Eating a balanced diet means eating bits of everything. It means not restricting any food types or specific food items, unless you have a food allergy, food intolerance, or you have an illness that requires you to cut out certain foods or monitor them. It means varying what you eat and not eating the exact same thing every day (yeah, I’m talking to you, ED). It means eating foods and consuming liquids that you enjoy. It means getting in those nutrient dense fruit and vegetables. It means providing yourself with an adequate amount of carbohydrates so that you have enough energy for the day. It means having that coffee and cake with Ann, and getting takeaway with Heather, and digging into ice cream and popcorn in front of a movie with Sam. It means changing up your routine. It means being flexible. It means trying out new things. It means going back to old favourites. It means hearty meals, light bites, snacks, and puddings. It means not overthinking it and letting your body lead the way.

So often these wonderful foods like crisps, pizza, and cake are associated with feelings of shame, greed, and overindulgence, and there can be judgement from others when eating them. However, this is only because they also have been made to feel those negative emotions when eating those foods themselves. The thing is, food is not a moral issue (and you can read my article on that here). You are free to eat what you want, when you want. You are free to be as healthy or unhealthy as you want – and that is not anyone’s business. And if you want to be healthy, follow the lead of your body (yes, I will repeat that until my death). If you want to check that you are eating a varied, balanced diet, do a quick valuation of what you eat on an average day or an average week, but don’t overthink it, as this can very quickly descend into a spiral of obsession. As long as every food group is incorporated into your diet, that’s a good sign. And when you’re uhmming and aahing in the cafe with Susan, just get the damn cake.

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Are You Listening? How We Hear the Things that People Say About Our Bodies When We Have An Eating Disorder

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My partner and I are lying in bed. He’s got his arms around me and we are a tangle of limbs beneath the sheets. Then he speaks.
“You’re so soft,” he says.
He says this a lot. He also says things like “you’re so huggable” and “you’re so squeezable”.

I wonder what your reaction was reading those words. Imagine hearing them said to you. How would you feel? What would you hear? I know what my reaction would have been a few years ago. I know that I would have heard “you’re fat”.

The thing is, we listen to what people are saying and then we apply our own filters to the words; filters which have been created from a whole myriad of experiences. That is what our minds do, and when it is someone with an eating disorder, that filter is especially pervasive, vehement, and antagonistic in the most negative of ways when it comes to comments about our bodies. People’s words go through this filter and it gets translated, so that what we hear is not necessarily what was said.

In this instance, I did a little laugh as I realised that his words went through my “ED translator”, and then carried on through my “recovered translator”, meaning that it went through two stages: “you’re so soft” turned into “you’re fat” and then into “he means your skin is soft or maybe he does mean your body is soft and so what Sarah, a lot of it is, and that’s nice, and it is nice to hug soft things that’s fine stop acting like he told you that you look like a naked mole rat that went through a blender.”

Sometimes my partner even puts his hand on my stomach and gently squeezes the squishy bit. Yeah, you can see my face now:

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If it was me three years ago I would have had a meltdown and engaged in some drastic and incredibly harmful behaviours, and it would be something I would probably remember forever as a trigger point for self-loathing. However, I am not that person anymore and I am – thankfully – now not in that torturous place. Instead I asked (slightly incredulously):
“Are you squeezing my fat?!” to which he replied: “Yeah, sorry.” Again, three years ago I would have heard that answer as “yes you remind me of a beached whale and I am poking fun at your fatness and reminding you that you should probably do something about it because it is gross.”  But instead the translation that finally came out of my little two-staged system was “You have fat on your body and he squished it because he had his hand there and it is a part of you and it it something that squishes and that’s okay; he still finds you attractive and wants you to be naked 100% of the time.” Because I suffered from an eating disorder for ten years, and because I live in a society that highly values diet culture and thinness, my brain will always automatically put the words through a negative filter. But because I was able to fight tooth and nail for my life and succeed in claiming it back from my powerful and evil mental illness, and because I then went on to reject diet culture and embrace body positivity, I have a wonderful second filter in place that allows me to pause, rationalise, and try to really hear what people are saying when it comes to my body (and everything else).

The important thing in these situations is that the outcome is totally different depending on where your head is at and on your ability to hear what is really being said rather than putting it through your own personal filter. You want to be able to really hear what the speaker of the words means rather than ending up reflecting back your own insecurities as a response. If we hear things through a negative filter of our own, it can then lead to negative situations with that person or people, because we think that they are insulting or hurting us. It also leads to a spiral of negative thoughts and possibly subsequent harmful behaviours. It is important not to hear the words that people say as confirmation of our own insecurities. Your eating disorder is always looking out for ways in which to validate itself. Don’t let it cause distance and destruction towards others or yourself.

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If you are struggling with something someone is repeatedly saying, or even a one-off comment that affected you, then talk about it. Be calm; be open; be honest; and try not to use accusatory language. Instead use “I feel” or “my eating disorder hears it like x” as opposed to “you are doing x/you are making me feel x”. People’s defensive barriers go up when they feel that they are being attacked. Often what is being said is actually okay to say and is not intended harmfully, but it is the eating disorder that translates it into something else and then causes harm. Because of this it is more productive to talk about how the eating disorder is at fault rather than them, or you. Of course I am perfectly well aware that there are those who are disrespectful, insensitive, and malicious and do intend to cause damage or do not care enough not to, but I am for now talking about those who we assume are not saying the wrong thing per se, but are saying things that are triggers for the eating disorder, which then rears it’s ugly head and translates for us.

It is not an easy thing to change the patterns within our brains, but it is possible. It takes time, and patience, and perseverance. It takes determination. It takes persistence. It means having to challenge negative thoughts every damn minute of every damn day. It means working towards liking and respecting yourself as a person. It means taking steps towards accepting your body as it is at its individual natural and healthy weight. It means screaming “NO” to the eating disorder and fighting for your health and happiness. It means recognising that the people who love you are not out to hurt you. It means remembering that you might at this point in your life feel hatred towards your body and self-loathing towards who you are, but that that is not how other people feel about you. It means recovery, and it means going on a journey to the place you want to be; to the life you want to live; to being the person that has been suppressed by the eating disorder. It means taking the path that leads to being free.

It’s Summer Soon and Surprisingly, Fat People Get Hot Too

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Art by Jovanna Radic Eriksson

The summer is fast approaching and that means that the weather is cranking up and sweat patches are about to become a lot more common. It also is the season of self-consciousness as those with bodies that do not fit societal ideals feel unable to wear less clothes and therefore sweat in silence as their smaller counterparts breathe a little easier in mini shorts and tank tops.

There are many reasons someone who has more fat on their body than is deemed socially acceptable (or is only deemed acceptable when wearing less revealing clothes) will feel uncomfortable wearing less clothes. It could be the cellulite on their legs; the way their thighs rub together; the way parts of their body jiggle; the belly folds when they sit down; the softness around the tops of their arms; the back fat creasing around their bra strap; the curves of their hips…and the judgement they might receive for having a body that does those normal, natural, absolutely okay things.

This is a perfect time to point out that everyone of any weight, shape, or size, is allowed to feel physically and mentally comfortable in their bodies and in whatever clothing they choose to wear this summer (and any other season). Everyone deserves to feel safe from humiliation and judgement, and everyone deserves respect and consideration, regardless of what their body looks like. If you feel uncomfortable looking at someone else’s body, then you may want to have a good hard think about what makes you feel a certain aspect of someone’s natural body is unacceptable and why it is affecting you personally. If you are someone who makes comments about or towards other people in regards to their weight, shape, or size, you might want to take a moment to reflect on why you think that someone else’s physical appearance is any of your business and why you are treating that person with less respect just because of how their body looks.

If you are someone who does not fit society’s idea of the “perfect” body, and are struggling to know what to do this summer in regards to clothing, then I urge you strongly to…do whatever the fuck you want. If that means that you want to rock a short little number or feel more comfortable covering your curves in a floaty summer dress, then you do what feels good for you. If you want to strut your stuff in a crop top and leggings, or if you prefer to don a baggy t-shirt and harem pants, then you dress yourself in what feels right. If you want to strip down but aren’t at the stage where you feel confident doing so, then it is perfectly okay to cover yourself up, but please start/continue to work towards accepting and loving your (beautiful) body, because you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Whether you want to get your body out or keep the layers on, you deserve to feel good about yourself.

Top tip: if you’re getting your legs out this summer and have issues with chub rub (those gorgeous thighs loving each other so much that it gives you friction burns), then pop some baby oil on your inner thighs before you stride down the street.

Enjoy your summer. It’s going to be beautiful, and you are too.

 

How To Cope At Christmas: A Rough Guide For Those With Eating Disorders

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We are just two days away from Christmas, and people are stocking up on food, wine, and last minute presents. This time of year is always filled with trepidation for those of you with eating disorders. It’s a holiday focused around alcohol, food, and family, and at least two of the former bring on that familiar rising panic for lots of people suffering or recovering from eating disorders, whereas for the rest of us, it’s generally just the one (family; I’m talking about family).

If you are someone with an eating disorder, and you are approaching Christmas Day with dread, you are not alone, and you can get through it. It is probably going to be a tough day, but there are steps you can take to make the most of it. Here are my suggestions on how to get through the day:

Focus on Family

Food is a big part of Christmas for most people, but you don’t have to let that be your main focus. Prioritise your family and/or friends and/or partner and enjoy their company. Catch up on the gossip, take part in the board games, and sing along to the carols with grandma. Spend time doing what is enjoyable for you. If your family can make this easier for you, let them know how. Maybe it means trying to keep the topic of conversation away from food. Maybe it means keeping food in the dining room and having the lounge as a food-free zone. Maybe it means going out for a walk with your siblings to get a bit of fresh air and space. Whatever you do, try to keep the focus on the company of those you love, and enjoying the time spent with them.

Set Boundaries with Loved Ones

This is a day that everyone should be able to enjoy to their very best, so do take the time to talk to the people that you will be spending your time with and set your boundaries for the day. This could mean asking them to refrain from talking about New Year’s diets, making food-moralising remarks, or reminding them not to comment on any of your eating habits. Do not be afraid to voice your needs. It is important to make clear what you need from them in order for you to enjoy the day.

Challenge Yourself…But Not Too Much

A huge part of the anxiety of the day is that there will be a lot of delicious food around that you will want to eat but also will not want to eat, and that’s the fight between you and your eating disorder. For a lot of people, this battle is going to go on all day, and that can make the day extremely stressful and anxiety-provoking (see Focus on Family for ways to minimise this). This is also a great time to challenge yourself, but a time to not push it too far: you don’t want to make the day even more stressful by pushing yourself to the limit. One way to go about using this day as a manageable challenge is to make rough plan of what you might eat that day. This will give you a guideline that might help you feel a little more contained, but could involve trying something new or facing a fear food. Try not to restrict yourself as much a you can, but it’s okay if you need to feel safe for a day that is so difficult already.

Take Care of Yourself 

You may be around people this Christmas that will not respect your boundaries or may be insensitive or ignorant to your recovery. They may talk about the triggering topics which I mentioned in the “Set Boundaries With Loved Ones” section above, such as complaining that they have put on weight/are going to put on weight, lamenting that they have eaten “too much”, are being “naughty” or “bad” because they are “indulging”, or moaning that they need to go on a diet because of that. Please ignore them. They are battling their own insecurities and are looking for reassurance that what they are doing is okay and that other people feel the same and that they are not alone. This is really, really sad, and something that no one should have to feel. Enjoying the Christmas food is part of the festivity, and no one should have to feel guilty for it. Know that other people’s worries are not a reflection on you, and you should keep in mind that it is not something positive that they are experiencing, but guilt, anxiety, and insecurity. So instead of letting their negativity impact on you, empathise with them, as guilt, anxiety, and insecurity are emotions that you are likely experiencing also (albeit on a much grander scale to those who do not have eating disorders). Keep moving forwards towards your goals. Keep moving forward on your journey towards health and happiness. Keep in mind your motivations, and remember that the way you respond to others affects you primarily.

Leave the room for a bit if you need to. Take yourself off for a relaxing bath or a nap or to read a book. Go for a stroll. Have a quiet word with that relative who keeps calling the chocolate yule log “bad”. Just take care of yourself and do what you need to do, for you, to have the best day that you can. Do not be afraid to speak up. You need this. You deserve this.

If you are someone who has an un-supportive, highly triggering family, do know that it is okay to decide not to see them at all. If you want to spend Christmas with yourself, your partner, your partner’s family, your friends, or your pets, do it. Do what is best for you. Do what you need to do to continue moving forwards. Do what you need and you deserve to continue working towards health and happiness. Make positive choices, and don’t feel guilty about them. This is what you need. This is what you deserve.

Move On

Christmas is unfortunately never going to be an easy time for those with eating disorders, and it often means that those people go into it with anxiety, and leave it with guilt. It is okay to experience those feelings: you are not alone and those feelings are not your fault. However, you have to keep remembering that these negative emotions are caused by your eating disorder and the control that it has over your life. Keep fighting the war against it, and don’t respond to those negative feelings. You are going to be okay and you can get through this. Christmas will be over in a blink of an eye, and then it is time to put it behind you and move on from that day. Don’t carry the stress from it with you. Let the day go. Remember that it is absolutely, 110%, super okay to eat more than usual, go outside your meal plan, eat “normally”, or respond to extreme hunger (this applies for always, of course). It is okay to put on weight. It is okay to enjoy yourself. The guilt of going against those eating disorder rules can be overwhelming, but it is important to remember that this is part of recovery. Going against your eating disorder and doing what you deserve is part of fighting the battle inside your head. Eating whatever you want, whenever you want, is the goal, and so if you were able to do that for a day, or two, or more, or even if you were able to eat a little more than normal, you are making small steps towards achieving that outcome. That is a wonderful thing.

If the anxiety is becoming overwhelming, check out my article on anxiety management here.