Am I Still Disordered?

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So you have been recovering for a fairly long time and have come a very long way. Your life has improved dramatically, you feel like you are eating well (what you want, when you want), and you’ve let your body rest up and repair, and haven’t engaged in formal exercise for a significant amount of time. You feel healthy, you feel pretty happy, and you’re wondering to yourself: how will I know when I am fully recovered? How do I know if my eating habits and thought patterns are still disordered?

This is definitely something that I thought about when I was recovering, and I am pretty sure it is something that you have thought about too. When exactly do you know when you are in remission as opposed to still recovering? When is that point where you go from one to the other? What signifies it?

The things that are disordered vary from person to person. One person may never has used coffee as an appetite suppressant or for energy during their eating disorder, and may now just enjoy a cup or two a day, whereas another may have used it and are still using it under the pretence of enjoying a cup or two a day, but are in fact not being honest with themselves that it is in fact driven by their eating disorder. One person may avoid some foods because they genuinely don’t like them, whilst others may avoid the same foods because their eating disorder has persuaded them that they don’t like them. It all varies from person to person, and it is about being 110% honest with yourself as to whether you are going to keep progressing forwards and reach remission or not. Because of these individual differences, it is hard to put together a whole list, but here are a few things that are signs that your eating habits and thought patterns are still disordered.

1. You are still worrying that food is going to make you fat, and you still worry about when to stop eating. This is something that when you are fully recovered you will not think about. You will eat what you want, when you want. You will eat when you desire to eat, and when you don’t have any desire to eat, you won’t. You will not worry about it “making you fat” because you know your body will maintain its natural healthy weight whilst you eat what you want, when you want.

2. You are finding reasons to not eat something. You should always eat what you want, when you want. If you are trying to find reasons not to eat something, then you are still having disordered thoughts. You eat when you want to eat, and you don’t eat when you don’t want to eat. By not wanting to eat, I mean that food is unappealing because you are not in any way hungry or needing any energy.

3. You are linking food and exercise together. Food and exercise should come separately. Burning off calories from your meals = disordered. Only allowing yourself to eat what you want because you have exercised = disordered. One should not effect the other.

4. You are still trying to control your weight. Being in remission includes accepting your body at whatever weight it is healthiest at naturally. That means trusting it to take you to that weight without you restricting any types of foods, exercising to try and keep your weight from going up, or trying to keep to a certain amount of calories without going over. It means eating what you want, when you want, and not exercising (or later on, only exercising for fun), and allowing your body to do what it needs to do.

5. You are trying to convince yourself that you enjoy exercise that you don’t really enjoy doing. Exercise should not be a part of your recovery. It should only be done in remission. If you are trying to convincing yourself that you love going to the gym when you don’t, start being honest with yourself. If your eating disorder has persuaded you that you love aerobics when actually you don’t, be honest with yourself. This includes “I’m doing it to be fit/toned/healthy”. That’s still disordered. Exercise should not be linked in your mind to changing your weight, shape, or size. Exercise that you don’t genuinely enjoy should not be done to get fit or healthy. It is the enjoyment that should come first and foremost, and the health benefits are secondary benefits that should have had nothing to do with the decision to do something physical. “I feel great after though!” is not a valid excuse. If you are going to do any form of recreational physical activity, you should feel good before doing it, whilst doing it, and after doing it, not just the latter. I would suggest checking out my videos on exercise here, here, and here).

6. You are avoiding certain foods or food groups. You might convince yourself that this is for “health” reasons, or you may even convince yourself that you don’t like them when actually you do. Again, this is about being really honest with yourself. Are you just trying to avoid them because they make you anxious?

7. You hate your body. Those in remission are able to accept their body as it is naturally. This doesn’t have to mean loving it. It just means being at least okay with it.

8. You lapse when you are stressed, angry, or upset. Those who are fully recovered have healthy coping mechanisms and do not respond to stressors by engaging in eating disorder habits.

9. You are still weighing yourself frequently. You do not need to weigh yourself any more. You don’t need to weigh yourself at all, ever. The number on the scales is irrelevant and for those with eating disorders, is a massive trigger. Those in full recovery don’t bother stepping on the scales because it’s meaningless and they don’t need to know their weight.

10. You keep planning ways to be “more healthy”. Those in remission eat what they want, when they want, and don’t need to think about “being healthy”, because what they are doing is what is truly healthy – listening to their body and not trying to control food or their weight, and eat what they desire, when they have the desire to do so.

Those are the ten things that sprang to mind when I thought about things that aren’t always entirely obvious to the person engaging in those habits or thought patterns. I hope this makes you think about where you are in recovery and if you still have some things to work on. Remember that these things take time, and you don’t have to rush to the finish line. If you try to do that, that finish line will get further away. Be patient and gentle with yourself, always.

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3 thoughts on “Am I Still Disordered?

  1. Pingback: Worthwhile Reads 3/22/15 – Loved and Worthy of Love

  2. Pingback: What Does Being Fully Recovered Look Like? | Everything ED Recovery

  3. Pingback: Recovery Does Not Mean Compromise |

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